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I can't sleep, I feel like shit, and I have to be in less than five hours for my first day back at school. And I think I lost my best on-line friend. I've been a jackass, but I believe righteously so; it was something i believed, and still believe, was unfair. And it is, no matter if someone wants to pretend otherwise.
But instead of just talking about it, I continued to be an ass. I know why now, not that it makes it any better. In fact, it makes me feel worse. I'm jealous. Flat out jealous. I don't have many true friends in real life because people feel it's alright to back stab me, and I really don't have many people on-line that I would actually call a friend. She was one of the first real friends that I didn't have to tuck away a part of me, I didn't have to be afraid that she thought I was weird or something, because she didn't care.
But people change. And after she suddenly disapeared earlier this year only to show up like, two months later, she was different. I didn't feel like I could tell her anything that was on my mind anymore...but I was worried that I would lose her as a friend to all of the other seemingly new found endless friends I heard her talk about. I pushed too hard to keep her my friend with something we had in common, and that, of course, made her become more distant.
The tip of the ice burg hit this past week, and I finally snapped. I feel horrible for what i did, but again, I feel like what was right was being ignored, and I'm a huge stickler for doing what's right.
Anyway, I'm not sure if all this babble makes sense, but bottom line is that I think I lost a friend, and probably many people that could become friends, because of this. I'm wondering if doing what's right is worth it...
Though...on the other hand, is it really friendship when one person does most of the work?
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sexeh_chan's journal
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